The Art of the Quarter Life Crisis

For those of you who don't know me (cough*Julianne's friends/coworkers*cough), my parents decided to go to Florida for the month of January. Then, for about the past two weeks, my brother was on an international trip to Romania, Maldova, and Hungary. For me, this translated into an excessive amount of alone time holding down the proverbial fort.

Now, being an introvert, I'm no stranger to alone time. I typically love it, actually. However, for some reason, this time I found myself evaluating my life. Good news bad news time.

Good news: I have a loving family and friends, two cats, and a Masters degree.

Bad news: My life doesn't measure up to anything I ever hoped for myself.

If you had asked me when I was 18 (eleven years ago....omg. Excuse me while I breathe into a bag for a minute), I would have told you that my primary goal was to be married before I was 30. I'm not kidding. That wasn't just one of the items on the list, it WAS the list. It was the litmus test; being married by 30 meant that I was normal. That I was lovable. What can I say? I have very few life goals. Not to mention that at the time I had NO IDEA whatsoever what I was going to do with my life in terms of education and career. All I knew was that I didn't want to be alone.

Good news bad news time.

Bad news: I'm alone.

Good news: It's not actually that bad (most of the time). Turns out that I haven't collapsed under the weight of my unrealized dreams of matrimony. On the contrary, I've gotten pretty tough. I mean, I know how to reverse the door on my clothes dryer, clean out the crap from my dishwasher, and I barely cry at the end of most RomComs.

This isn't to say I've completely given up on the idea of getting married/making babies, but it's no longer this idea that sustains me through the lonely moments. The bad news is, I don't have all that much to sustain me through these moments except my own daydreams. That's perfectly adequate most of the time. But sometimes, when I'm completely alone and it occurs to me that I'm lecturing the characters on British TV for making terrible decisions (I'm looking at you, John Paul Rocksavage), I find myself sort of...waking up.

And that's when I realize that I'm doing NOTHING with my life. I'm waiting around for something to happen. And it never does, so I just disappear back into my own imagination. But here is the thing: I WANT TO LIVE.

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I want to travel the world. I want to meet weird people. I want my life to add value to the lives of others. I spend so much time being afraid of making a misstep that I don't go ANYWHERE. So here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to start walking. In some direction; any direction. Even if it terrifies me. Even if it means that my life is upended. Because I refuse to lead an unlived life. I've got nothing to be afraid of. The worst has already happened. I'm single at 29, and unless something really crazy happens in the next year, I'm going to be single at 30 too. So what?

I choose to move forward. I choose to be of value to the world around me. I choose to create dreams that don't revolve around unrealistic expectations. And if, one day, I DO get married (big "if"), it will be because I met a super cool guy while doing something that breathes life into the world around me. And if I don't, MY LIFE WILL STILL BE GOOD because I chose not to give up on myself simply because my life didn't look at 29 the way I thought it ought to back when I was 18.

The art of the quarter life crisis is this: Changing direction when you realize your life isn't going where you KNOW in your heart it should. Good news bad news time.

Bad news: That's friggin' terrifying.

Good news: I'm doing it anyway.

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Let's Blog the new 1D album.

Ok, let's.


I don't know how many of you know this, but I (Becky), too, have caught the One Direction Infection. It's a little out of control, if I'm being honest, so when the new album dropped, I told Julianne we had to blog our reactions to the album, song by song. What follows is a record of our Facebook conversation as we listened to the album. If you ever wanted to know what two fabulous and brilliant women talk about when no one else is listening/reading, this is basically your dream come true.


(For the best possible experience, we recommend listening to the album on Amazon Prime or what have you WHILST reading the post.)


Becky: Let’s begin, shall we? "Hey Angel."
I kind of dig it, but it brings up so many questions for me. Like, is it about someone who died and is now an angel looking down? Or is it about, like, the angels that God created? Because if it's the latter, I think it's a lot more interesting of a song. Especially the line "I wish I could be more like you. Do you wish you could be more like me?" The idea of angels who were created to do a job and didn't have an option wishing they could have the freedoms that humans have is an interesting concept to me.

Julianne:I agree with what you're saying, but the lyrics in the bridge don't make sense then. Unless the person they're singing to changes midway. For me, this song is pleasant but it doesn't have that little something extra that makes me love it

Becky: What do you mean it doesn't make sense?

Julianne:"I come alive when I hear your voice, it's a beautiful sound, it's a beautiful noise." How is that about a real angel? And backseat of my car, etc. That part, you could say that the angel is really there, but not visible. But I don't know how you'd hear their voice.

Becky: Why can't angels ride in cars?

Julianne:Well yes, that's what I'm saying. But how do they talk to you?

Becky: Mary heard an angel's voice. Just saying.

Julianne:I agree but that's not the vibe of the song... and the way they're wording it makes it sound like it's a regular occurrence.

Becky: Maybe it's about Schizophrenia

Julianne:Lol, maybe.

Becky: "Drag me down". GO.

Julianne:I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SONG. This is the song that made me realize why all of the tweens love Harry. I never got it before. Sometimes I think about how to make this song better and then I realize it's impossible

Becky: I agree. I never understood the Harry Styles appeal until I saw him crooning into the camera on this video and I was like, what is this feeling I'm feeling? And it was the first time I saw Niall's smile.

Julianne:And Louis making his adorable facial expressions.

Becky: Shit eating grin, more like.

Julianne:Well, I love it. This song makes me feel like I can fly. Which is funny since they have a song called, "If I Could Fly"

Becky: So fitting. Will you tell my future husband that if I'm ever mad at him, all he has to do is tell me I'm a boat?

Julianne:Second verse, Harry just kills it. I like him in the first verse but in the second, he takes it someplace else

Becky: Harry's vocals on this song are killer.

Julianne:And yes, I'll tell your future husband to remember you're a boat

Becky: Ok. I'm on “Perfect” now.

Julianne:I'm almost there. I can't cut DMD short…Okay “Perfect” began

Becky: When I first heard this, it kind of knocked my socks off. I loved it. It's lost a little of its sparkle since it's been played a bunch and I've listened to it on repeat a couple of times. But I still love it…I'd love Niall from time to time. Lol.

Julianne:I agree, the radio has kind of diminished this one a bit but it's still awesome. My love for DMD is so great that not even the radio can decrease it.

Becky: That's true love if ever there was one. This song kind of makes me want to toss my moral compunctions aside and have a fling. Is compunctions the right word?

Julianne:Inhibitions?

Becky: Both would work. I just looked it up.

Julianne:Haha, so did I. I love the descriptions in this song because I DO like midnight driving with the windows down and going places I can't even pronounce lol. I don't know if Harry really wrote this song about Taylor Swift, but I like his line about breakup songs regardless. This video was not my fave however. It was okay but not that exciting

Becky: I agree. Niall hardly ever smiled.

Julianne:Hahaha. Compunctions is a good word.

Becky: Ok, “Infinity” started

Julianne:Okay, me too.

Becky: This one starts off kind of boring, honestly.

Julianne:I agree. It's another one where I'm like, nice to listen to but not doing a whole lot for me.

Becky: I like the chorus.

Julianne:I like the chorus better too. I watched their YouTube vids where they talked about each of the songs and Louis called it a "banger" which really threw me off

Becky: Like a sausage? Isn't a sausage called a banger in England? Bangers and mash? I feel like that's a thing.

Julianne:That is a thing. But a banger in my mind is a club ready song, makes me want to dance

Becky: Like a head banger? How is this a head banger?

Julianne: Kind of, although head banger would be more rock. That’s why I was confused.

Becky: When you and Louis finally get together you can have him explain it to me.

Ok. “End of the Day” This one has really grown on me. It paints such a vivid picture.

Julianne:I have always really liked this one. The only thing that was throwing me off is the slow chorus

Becky: It sounds kind of like they took two songs and spliced them together.

Julianne:Yes, exactly

I really like the verses and I like the chorus but they don't seem to fit together

Becky: I completely agree. I don't know if that was an artistic choice or they just tried to fit a square peg into a round hole, so to speak. I like the line about winding up in the hospital. "The priest thinks it's the devil. My mom thinks it's the flu." I laugh every time.

Julianne:I love that line too. The chorus is really simple lyrically but it's beautiful. Louis got two solos in this one. I don't miss Zayn at all.

Becky: Zayn who? Lol.

Julianne:Exactly

Becky: The question remains, at the end of the day, did she want him?

Julianne:Of course she did. “If I Could Fly” This one is maybe my least favorite. I don't hate it; I just find it boring.

Becky: This one is kind of "meh," for me.

Julianne:I guess it's sad but I don't really feel that sad.

Becky: Oh, wait, I think I like the chorus. I mean, I like the lyrics The tune is fine, but the lyrics make me think of James Bond.

Julianne:I guess I feel like the concept of "I'm missing half of me" has been done.

Becky: Yeah, I get that. But choosing to be vulnerable with someone is a nice idea. But I agree. Ain't no man going to complete me.

Julianne:This "I feel it" part is my favorite.The idea is nice; I just mean I feel like other artists have said similar things.

Becky: “Long way down.”

Julianne:Yay!

Becky: I think I thought this song was boring at first, but rest assured, I have seen the error of my ways.

Julianne:It grows on you, I think. I like the lyrics of the verses. And then the chorus is just so good. I'm not being very descriptive but I really like it. I think it works because the verses are vocally simple, but the chorus is more expressive. I love this idea of we had this amazing, great thing and we couldn't keep it together

Becky: I like the guitar part a lot. It's a sweet song. Kind of sad, but that's how I like 'em typically, as you know.
"We had a spaceship, but we couldn't land it." Now we know how the Drag Me Down video REALLY ended.

Julianne:Lol. I feel like Liam has gotten no love from us and honestly his vocals are the best in this song I think. He is so expressive and his voice is so smooth.

Becky: I would describe his voice as warm..
OMG “NEVER ENOUGH”

Julianne:YAY!!!!

Becky: This was another one that has grown on me. I love the Ah-oooah, part.

Julianne:This one is so unexpected which is part of why I love it soooooo much. It's so catchy. Just like Drag Me Down, it really only has 1 verse and then repeats it but it's so good I do not care.

Becky: "Lips so good, I forget my name." I mean, fuggedaboutit. Do you like the "come on!" part?

Julianne:Um, that's one of my favorite parts

Becky: I KNEW IT WOULD BE.

Julianne:The horns are so nice too. "I don't need my love, you can take it, take it"

Becky: It's just so damn good.

Julianne:It makes me feel amazing, which is my favorite kind of music

Becky: It makes me want to dance.

Julianne:Yesssssss.

Becky: My fave part is the "lips so good" part. It's a cute idea for a song, too. Like, here is everything I have. No, srsly. Take it all.

Julianne:Yeah, here's my heart, I have no need for it. I love how Liam does his falsetto at the end in the background.

Becky: Is that Liam?

Julianne:Yes, so the internet has told me

Becky: “OLIVIA!” Another sleeper hit.

Julianne:The Beatles reincarnated

Becky: Is this Niall at the beginning?

Julianne:I think so. Don't worry, someone has made a YouTube vid which answers that question.

Becky: Thank God for that. I like how he can't quite get down that low. It's so cute.

Julianne:Lol, it's nice to hear his voice in a different range. This one is really nice, it's so peppy.

Becky: See, I can usually pick out Louis and Niall, but when Harry and Liam sing mid range I'm like, "wait, who is this?" It makes me love the name Olivia, which I never really had any strong feelings about before.

Julianne:Yeah, they can be difficult to tell apart. Harry's voice is a little more distinctive I think.

Becky: I would consider naming my daughter after this song. I don't know why Michaela wasn't into it.

Julianne:She can be such a hater. Finally Louis has entered the song.

Becky: He had a great part at the end. Very heartfelt. BTW we ARE doing the bonus tracks too, right?

Julianne:Yes, I have my Amazon Prime ready. I Just haven't listened to those as much.

Becky: Ok. “What a Feeling.” SECOND FAVE on the album.

Julianne:I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH

Becky: I can't not dance.

Julianne:I love the music. It's so smooth, so sexy

Becky: OH MY GOD THE DRUMS.

Julianne:This one was so unexpected for me. Didn't seem like a 1D song but they killed it.

Becky: The bass and the drums really make this song what it is. I love the minor sound of it. THERE ARE THE DRUMS AGAIN. What does it mean, "through the wire?"

Julianne:Kanye West had a song called through the wire...I love this part, "whatever chains are holding you back, don't let them tie you down"

Becky: Is there a connection?

Julianne:http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=through+the+wire. That’s definitely the Kanye meaning.

Becky: “Love you Goodbye”

Julianne:This one really grew on me

Becky: This one snuck up on me, too. There are a lot of songs like that on this album.

Julianne:At first I was like, eh, whatever, and now I'm like, "sing it to me, boys.” Harry sings the chorus a lot on this album. And I mean, he does a bang up job of it, but he does it quite a bit.

Becky: The message is questionable, obviously, but what girl doesn't want to hear a guy singing about how she looks so bangin' hot that he just has to hit it one more time?

Julianne:Well the way she dressed, she didn't come to apologize, so I guess she knew what she was doing.

Becky: "I know there's nothing I can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?" Lol. The best line is "Why you wearing that to walk out of my life?" OH, here comes Louis!

Julianne:I know I'm biased but I love Louis' part

Becky: No, you’re right. It's an amazing part.

Julianne:"Because if this is it then at least we could end it riiiiiiiiiiiight!"

Becky: Hahaha. SO good.

Julianne:They did this one live too, on Jimmy Kimmel or Ellen.

Becky: “I want to write you a song.”

Julianne:This one is one of my least favorites. Like, it's sweet, but I need more.

Becky: I feel like this one is not bad but it's not that good either. Some of the lines are really cheesy. Although, they do talk about building a boat. And you know how I feel about boats. LolJ

Julianne:Haha it all comes full circle. It's a nice concept, but there isn't anything that special about it. I do like the sound of someone writing in the background. I do like that line, "One as strong as you are free"

Becky: I like that too. I feel like it picks some up at the little mini chorus part.

Julianne:Niall has finally arrived!
“History”, I love it!

Becky: I think you like it more than I do.

Julianne:I don't know how you aren't in love with it

Becky: It's got a good groove to it.

Julianne:I like the chorus a lot

Becky: It's really easy to sing along to.

Julianne:It's also really nice when you think about it from the perspective of the 4 of them and their crew.

Becky: I actually prefer it when I can attribute my own meaning to songs. Which is why T Swift and I have had our differences. Like, I don't want to think about John Mayer when I'm listening to this song, Taylor.

Julianne:Lol. But that's why it's great: you can think of it from their perspective but it's easily applied to your own relationships. Once again, Louis' part is the best.

Becky: When are you going to meet this guy?

Julianne:Louis? Probably never. I mean, if I did, it'd just come off super creepy.

Becky: But if you don't meet him, then I'll never meet Niall, and that is unacceptable.
“Temporary Fix.” Written in part by Niall Horan....shocking (not).

Julianne: This one is No Control's cousin. Just as dirty, but it isn't as catchy in my opinion.

Becky: I agree with you. I definitely prefer No Control. It's alright, but there are so many really good songs on this album that it's not really in the same league, I don't think.

Julianne: I agree. It's just very empty. If you want a song about no strings attached sex, Perfect is far superior

Becky: “Walking in the Wind!”

Julianne: The beginning of this song reminds me of another song but I don't know what song.

Becky: I really like this one. But, as I predicted, it has lost a teensy bit of its luster for me. It makes me think of Simon and Garfunkel. I like the ah-oooooo part. But then, it's Niall, so…yeah.

Julianne: This is another one that I like. It's nice to listen to, but I don't love it.

Becky: It's a bittersweet concept, the mutual breakup.

Julianne: Gets very specific with the story about going out to a friend's birthday and realizing their ex is missing.

Becky: That's such a sad idea! Like they both knew it needed to happen, but now the other person is missing these little moments.

Julianne: That is really sad. It shows how integrated their ex was into their life

Becky: OMG OMG OMG #16 “WOLVES.” Hands down my favorite track

Julianne: Oh wow, that's a bold statement. This is my fave one of the deluxe tracks.

Becky: When I commit, I commit. Great beat, great melody, LOVE the lyrics.

Julianne: Remember, I've probably only heard these ones twice each

Becky: How are you feeling about it right now?

Julianne: Very good.

Becky: I can't even handle how much I love the chorus."We got the whole world shakin" Lol. Yes, yes you do.

Julianne: I love it when songs have a bit of swagger and this one has a lot.

Becky: Why does everyone not listen to 1D?

Julianne: Because they're "too cool." And they think they're still the same boys that sang "What Makes You Beautiful"

Becky: There's some more great drums on this song, too, which really adds to it.J

Julianne: Too bad they're going on hiatus or we'd be seeing them in concert

Becky: “Made in the AM,” The eponymous track.
OMG. Let's agree that when the hiatus ends, we're going to one of their concerts. Even if it means we have to travel overseas. I'm serious.

Julianne: Done, I'm flying to Montreal for Ellie so it's only fair.
I rather like this one which may surprise you since it's slow. I like the imagery of late night bullshitting with people you've known forever.

Becky: I like it pretty well. I especially like the line about "Swimming round in our glasses, talking out of our asses." It's another sweet picture they've painted.

Julianne: I also identify with it, being a night owl. It's a great way to rationalize my poor choices. The best moments happen after midnight!

Becky: Louis was really highlighted in this one, wasn't he? "she said, knowing Julianne would agree."

Julianne: Yes, I guess he was. Lol, I wasn't really thinking about it. Not much Niall though? I can't believe we're already done, this went unbelievably quickly.

Becky: Before we go, what is your favorite 1D song that is NOT on this album?

Julianne: That's so hard

Becky: I LOVE Fireproof. So that's mine.

Julianne: I knew that was yours

Becky: Am I that predictable?

Julianne: Well you love that one. That was the first one you ever sent me. I'm so torn...I think it's “Happily” actually. Runners up are “Where Do broken hearts go” & “No Control” Then after that would be “Strong” & “Fireproof”

Becky: I don't even know Happily

Julianne: I know I've mentioned it before, it's on Midnight Memories. It's the chorus. It makes me want to sing my heart out

Becky: Have you heard “Girl Almighty?”

Julianne: Yes, I have. I feel like that one's a favorite for a lot of people. I like it but don't love it

Becky: See that kind of surprises me. I also like “Steal My Girl” and “Fool's Gold”

Julianne: I like “Steal My Girl”, but “Fool's gold” is a bit slow for me. I like “Kiss You” from their earlier albums and “Best Song Ever.”

Becky: Best song ever is pretty fab.

Julianne: Now I just want to listen to 1D. They'd better come back from hiatus so we can go to a concert. Let's do Ellie's album next! This is such a fun pastime, listening to music and talking about it.

How I Became a One Direction Fan

No one who knows me will really be surprised by this turn of events.  In fact, they'll probably wonder why it's taken me so long to get to this point.  In hindsight, it does seem like it was inevitable.  I have a weakness for boy bands/girl groups as well as for British singers.  (Hence, I also have become a Little Mix fan.)

When 1D first became popular, I was dismissive.  At that point, they were still teens and singing extremely thought-provoking lyrics such as, "the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed."  I mean, how many guys was I overwhelming on a daily basis with my hair flipping?  Who knew my hair had such power?  Don't get me wrong, I can handle cheesy, but this went too far.

I also resented the fact that they didn't dance.  Did they not know that if you wanted to be the member of a boy band that you needed to do some choreographed dance moves?  My first boy band love, NSYNC, understood this very well.  Their dancing was always on point and sometimes they even wore matching outfits.  I think 1D has probably been wise to stay away from overalls, but hey, look at how much group unity is conveyed in this photograph.

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And ultimately, I just wasn't that into a lot of their singles.  I'll admit, "Best Song Ever" and "Kiss You" are extremely catchy.  However, some of their other big hits ("Night Changes," "Story of My Life," "Little Things") didn't really appeal to me. 

Several years passed and the inconceivable happened: Zayn left the band.  While I love his ex-fiancée Perrie, I was never a huge fan of him personally.  I didn't know too much about him but it seemed like he was involved in a fair number of Twitter feuds which didn't appeal to me.  I wondered if the world's biggest boy band could withstand his departure.  But then a couple of months ago, they released their first single and video without him.  And it was pure pop perfection:

This song is so good that I can no longer deny 1D's appeal.  I totally get it, pre-teen girls of the world; I'm sorry it took me so long.  I can only hope that the rest of their upcoming album will be half as amazing as this song.  And I'll admit, now that I've fallen down this rabbit hole, I've found some other songs from their previous albums that I'm fond of: "Where Do Broken Hearts Go," "Happily," "Strong," "Fireproof," "No Control."

Some may look down on my newfound fandom.  That's fine because "nobody can drag me down (nobody, nobody)."

5 Songs You Need To Hear (Dad music edition)

My dad isn't really what you'd call "flexible" when it comes to his taste in music. I've tried to get him to branch out, many times, to no avail. He's just stuck in the 60s/70s. Ultimately, I've learned to look on his inflexibility with good humor; a necessary thing when he makes horrible faces whenever you're riding in a car and decide to play some of your tunes. Mostly, I just give in and create playlists that both of us like. The good thing is, a lot of this music is new to my generation, so finding good 60s/70s/80s songs is kind of like going to a museum and finding out that people actually wore some cool clothes in 1925. Who knew?

So, in honor of my dad's birthday today, here are some oldies but goodies, lesser known to the Millennials of the world but well-known to the Boomers. This one is for you, you old coot.

#1
Snoopy's Christmas

The Royal Guardsmen 

I think my dad got a kick out of introducing The Royal Guardsmen to my brother and I when we were kids. I mean, we didn't live under a rock; we knew who Snoopy was, and like 80% of their music is about Snoopy. Before you listen to this one, you might want to hope over to YouTube and listen to "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron" first, just to give you some context. My father loves songs that tell stories, and these songs definitely qualify. I chose to list Snoopy's Christmas over Snoopy vs. The Red Baron simply because it was my favorite Royal Guardsmen song. Something about those bells.

#2
I won't Last a Day Without You

Carpenters 

I'm not kidding when I tell you that my parents owned the complete Carpenters collection (2 CDs), and I eventually absconded with it and listened to it on repeat. I think it might be my dad's lifelong dream for me to sing their songs in public. Like with a microphone and an audience. Not sure if that's ever going to happen, but I admit that I DO love their music. Her voice is just so soothing.

#3
Timberline

Timberline

This one is a bit obscure. This band was more of a localized music sensation, I think, because as far as I can tell, there isn't any video or recording anywhere of the original version of this song, except the snippet I've posted below. In any case, when I was a kid, we would go on trips as a family and (not even joking) would sing along to it in the car as a family. Before you go judging us, I should tell you that we also played trivia games and listened to books on tape...wait. That doesn't make us sound any less geeky, does it? You know what, I DON'T CARE. Take your judgement elsewhere. But first, listen to this song.

Click Here for a snippet 

#4
I'm Into Something Good

Herman's Hermits

Herman's Hermits was another of those random bands to which my brother and I were introduced as children. And, like the Royal Guardsmen and Timberline, we DEFINITELY rocked out to this stuff. HARD. Even more so than the others, I think. I mean, who can listen to any of the Hermits' music and be like, "I have no desire to bob my head up and down?" No one. That's who.

 #5
Leader of the Band

Dan Fogelberg

Oh, Dan Fogelberg. What a chill voice. What a storyteller. My dad isn't a crier, but if he was, I think this song would make him weepy. I mean, I can't even listen to the song without crying. So touching. Feel free to ugly cry if you have a father and/or a soul.

I keep thinking about all of this music, and all that is happening is I'm coming up with more ideas for more dad versions of this series. Maybe I'll have him pick 5 songs of his own and post it sometime. I'm sure he'd really dig that (Notice my use of old person slang there).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TUMNUS!

Not Everything is a Chalkboard...and that's okay.

I'll be the first person to tell you that I LOVE Pinterest. I spend all kinds of time pinning pins, some of which I'll use, but most of which will ultimately be relegated to that vague place in my memory where ideas go to fester and die.

But even if I DID accomplish half the things on my Pinterest list, there are still some lines I just absolutely refuse to cross. One of those things involves the chalkboardization of everyday objects. Wine glasses. Crockpots. Book covers. Storage containers. Globes. Trash cans. Mason jars. Recycled bottles. I've seen about half a million chalkboard projects on that site and I'm sorry, but I have to say this (you people need to hear it): NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE MADE INTO A CHALKBOARD.

First of all, chalkboards imply temporary labeling. In this day and age, we have all kinds of permanent ink, so don't try to tell me that that storage container labeled "Christmas Lights" simply MUST be done with a tiny wooden chalkboard (probably hanging from the handle by sisal twine). Use a damn sharpie. You're never going to put anything but Christmas lights into that box and you know it. The words will probably just get wiped off in the closet anyway and then where will you be? You'll be looking into the container to see what's in it anyway, in which case, the LABEL WAS POINTLESS.

Second of all, chalk handwriting really only looks good when someone freakishly artistic does it. It definitely took said person about an hour to complete a seven word saying on that mirror-cum-chalkboard, because they made sure the lines were parallel and they sharpened their damn chalk. Before embarking on a chalk project, you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not YOU are this kind of person. If you are, that is wonderful. I'm so happy for you. If--like the other 99% of the world, you are NOT that person, it's time to acknowledge that dipping/painting every random item you own in chalkboard paint is just an excuse to put your mediocre-to-terrible handwriting on display, 24/7. Half the time, it's probably not even legible. Especially on the wine glasses, because you know you didn't write "Amy" on that sucker when you were sober.

And while we're on the subject, who the heck wants to drink wine while having to worry that their name will wipe off and then Jeff will drink their wine accidentally when they're not looking? Not Amy, that's for sure. To be fair, chalkboard paint varies in its ability to hold chalk. Sometimes it wipes right off, and yet other times it stays there. Forever. BUT THIS NEGATES THE TEMPORARY NATURE OF THE PROJECT IN THE FIRST PLACE.If the chalk was just going to stick for eternity to the surface of the crockpot, why not just give up the ghost and write "Hawaiian Meatballs" on the outside in sharpie? SAME EFFECT.

Oh, and let's not forget the fact that the act of writing on a chalkboard is nausea-inducing. You know the expression "like nails on a chalkboard?" I think it should probably have been "like chalk on a chalkboard." And who wants to spend the next four hours trying to overcome a bout of nausea, just so they can write a cutesy quote on an old globe? That's a sort of dedication I just don't have.

Now that I've taken your dreams behind the woodshed and shot them, allow me a moment of generosity. You can make SOME things into chalkboards. Preferably flat surfaces that can be used as...chalkboards. I get the idea of chalkboard walls for kids to draw on. I understand chalkboards on cabinets for lists. Heck, I have two rolls of chalkboard vinyl just sitting upstairs waiting to be used for that purpose. I should also tell you that I recently revamped a mirror into a chalkboard. It's delightful. And I freely admit my own hypocrisy. But what you will not find in my house is a person who feels the need to craft the shit out of everything I own.

Yes, I spray paint stuff. Yes I've been known to tear an odd pallet apart for a project. But this chalkboard obsession seems to indicate to me a sort of desperation. It's a special brand of anxiety specific to sites like Pinterest. There's this idea that if we have just ONE more cutesy detail in our house, just ONE more adorable little craft project that's just a LITTLE more clever than the ones our friends have, that we have somehow won at the Nesting Game.

I'm here to tell you to chill the f*** out. You will NEVER beat the Martha Stewarts of the world at their own game. That's like challenging Bo Pelini to a yelling contest (sorry, that's a Nebraska joke). You will not, no matter how hard you try, remember to assemble homemade gifts for your neighbors at Christmastime. Your attempts at homemade soap making will look like sagging bricks of despair. And the flowers will always refuse to grow on the shady side of your house.

But fear not, brave soldier. You are loved beyond any words you may find in any "inspirational quotes" pinboard. Even though you suck at making homemade macarons, and even though the last time you tried to make a melted crayon painting you set the carpet on fire. Your next door neighbor might look down her nose at the fact there are dust bunnies in LITERALLY EVERY CORNER OF YOUR HOUSE, but you know what? She's probably just nauseous from that chalkboard she was writing on all morning, and everyone is crabby when they feel like they're going to vom. Just smile at her and remind yourself that the race you are running is one you created for yourself. You can stop any time, and no one (important) will think any less of you. Honestly, if I walk into your house to find a mess, I'll probably just be relieved that I'm not the only one. You and I are kindred spirits. I mean, I'm basically talking to myself here.

It's okay.

You're going to be fine.

Do the things you love because you love them. They'll be good enough. You'll be good enough.

But please, for the love of all things holy, STOP with the chalkboard projects.

Pilates is hard...

Whenever you see pictures of people doing Pilates, they look something like this:

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While I'd like to delude myself into thinking that I look that elegant, my gym's group fitness rooms have mirrors so I know better.  It usually looks more like this (except way less toned):

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Because here's the thing: Pilates is not easy.  If you've ever watched someone do Pilates, you may have been fooled into thinking that it's a cinch.  I mean, there are rarely any weights involved, no running or plyometrics, how hard can it be?  And yet it is, although a different kind of difficult.

Your core is the focal point, and let me tell you, your abs get tired.  Thankfully, it's not that noticeable if you take a short break since you're usually already sitting or lying on your mat...  But then get right back to it, because as Miguel said, "Pilates and milk did that body so good."

Tales of Survival

When I was a kid, it occurred to me that I didn’t like it when animals got hurt. But, being from a rural area where animals are regularly raised for meat, sometimes animal death is unavoidable. But just because it was unavoidable didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try to save as many innocent baby animal lives as possible.

Like when I ran over a toad with a lawnmower. The poor guy was all cut open and I could literally see his organs. But did that stop me from believing in toady miracles? No. I put him in a container next to some water, hoping that stitches were an optional part of his healing process, since my knowledge of sewing came from my hours working on 4-H projects, and I doubted somehow that the ability to match my seams up in the middle would translate into the miracle this toad was looking for. Unfortunately, this first attempt was a failure.

Then, a few years later, I was swathing hay at one of our fields and I noticed that there were a lot of pheasant nests in the alfalfa. I was pained as I ran over nest after nest. Finally, I got out to look at one. Most of the eggs had survived! I was ecstatic. So I found a random plastic zip lock bag and took some shop towels and placed the seven eggs gently in the bag. When I got home and started to create a makeshift pheasant incubator, I went to my dad to ask if we had a flood lamp. If he thought that the madness had taken hold of me, he didn’t show it on his face. Not that day, anyway. He just told me where to find it. So I hooked everything up in the laundry room, away from the reach of our family cat, and laid in wait for my pheasant babies to hatch, wondering to myself if it was like geese and other birds that, upon hatching, believe the first thing they see to be their mother. I contemplated my life as a mother to a bouquet of pheasants. I have to say, the idea intrigued me.

So when they began to hatch, one by one, it was like witnessing the culmination of my life’s work. I was about to be a parent. A teenage mom, as it were. But sadly, my pheasant babies didn’t seem to care who I was.  My parents found pheasant food, but it only came in 50 lb bags. But, I thought to myself, that was okay. Because these pheasant babies would be living with us for a long time. How wrong I was. One of the eggs never even hatched. Another died shortly after hatching.  A third kicked the proverbial bucket after being smothered to death by its siblings. Then, one by one, they all died. One was pecked to death. The rest of them succumbed to their water tray, in which they took turns unceremoniously drowning themselves. And that is the story of how I came to be the possessor of forty-nine pounds of pheasant food.

Then I began the kitten-rescuing phase of my life. One day my dad found three tiny kittens scattered around our farm yard. He brought them home to me to care for, not realizing at the time that this was far from the last time his home would be invaded by tiny, motherless cats. So I fed these babies with one of those bottles you get from the vet’s office, and some cat milk formula. When the bottle proved too large for their kitten mouths, my mom procured these tiny toy bottles, and we fed them that way. But, once again, one by one, the kittens left this world for the catnip field in the sky. I was, of course, upset at what I perceived to be my own failure, even though those kittens were likely too small to survive without their mother. Perhaps my father even brought them to me to teach me this life lesson, not realizing that, instead of discouraging my animal rescue habits, he only strengthened my resolve.

Then came Bingley. He was found in our farm building around where we parked our trucks. He was a chubby little guy, with fluffy gray fur and a waddle.  I knew he was alone in this world, and I couldn’t leave him to be crushed by a truck, so I brought him home. When I fed him his bottles, his ears waggled in a rhythm, like Sloth in the Goonies. And so, Bingley became my cat. Our family cat, Shiver, was far from impressed, hissing and spitting and even going on what we lovingly referred to as a hunger strike. When I was away at college, Bingley, tragically, departed this world. Shiver somehow inherited his tendencies, behaving in ways she had never behaved in the 12 or so years we had had her. And so, Bingley’s spirit lived on in his nemesis, who we affectionately dubbed “Shingley.”

RIP Bingley

Helen Pixiefidget came into my life after college, when a neighbor brought over four kittens to the farm to introduce some new blood into our incestuous pool of cats. For protection, we put them in an old apartment in our farm building. But the next day, one of the kittens was missing. The apartment was messy, so we figured it was just hiding. Then the day after that, a second one went missing. I started to wonder if maybe the apartment wasn’t as safe as we thought it was when, on the third day, the third kitten disappeared. It came to our attention that raccoons were invading the apartment at night and absconding with the kittens.  Fun fact: Raccoons wash their food before eating it. When I found this out, I both laughed and cringed a little. By this time, the only remaining kitten was a tiny gray striped thing with the cutest face on the planet. I couldn’t leave her there to be picked off like her siblings. My heart just couldn’t take it. So I brought her home, where she slept in a Rubbermaid container (the lid was propped open for air), and she mewed her way into my heart. When I finally moved out of my parents’ house a few years ago, Pixie came with me, along with another rescue I nicknamed Butters (his full name is quite unwieldy). 

Helen Pixiefidget

And I feel as if I have finally succeeded. I have successfully rescued not one, but two cats, which has, in some way, dulled my need to take care of every motherless animal I come across. So dad, you’ll be happy to hear, we won’t need to house any more litters of kittens in yours and mom’s bathtub. Not for a while, anyway. But I make no promises for the future. 

The Right Honourable Professor Basil Butterick, Esq.