I'll be the first person to tell you that I LOVE Pinterest. I spend all kinds of time pinning pins, some of which I'll use, but most of which will ultimately be relegated to that vague place in my memory where ideas go to fester and die.
But even if I DID accomplish half the things on my Pinterest list, there are still some lines I just absolutely refuse to cross. One of those things involves the chalkboardization of everyday objects. Wine glasses. Crockpots. Book covers. Storage containers. Globes. Trash cans. Mason jars. Recycled bottles. I've seen about half a million chalkboard projects on that site and I'm sorry, but I have to say this (you people need to hear it): NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE MADE INTO A CHALKBOARD.
First of all, chalkboards imply temporary labeling. In this day and age, we have all kinds of permanent ink, so don't try to tell me that that storage container labeled "Christmas Lights" simply MUST be done with a tiny wooden chalkboard (probably hanging from the handle by sisal twine). Use a damn sharpie. You're never going to put anything but Christmas lights into that box and you know it. The words will probably just get wiped off in the closet anyway and then where will you be? You'll be looking into the container to see what's in it anyway, in which case, the LABEL WAS POINTLESS.
Second of all, chalk handwriting really only looks good when someone freakishly artistic does it. It definitely took said person about an hour to complete a seven word saying on that mirror-cum-chalkboard, because they made sure the lines were parallel and they sharpened their damn chalk. Before embarking on a chalk project, you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not YOU are this kind of person. If you are, that is wonderful. I'm so happy for you. If--like the other 99% of the world, you are NOT that person, it's time to acknowledge that dipping/painting every random item you own in chalkboard paint is just an excuse to put your mediocre-to-terrible handwriting on display, 24/7. Half the time, it's probably not even legible. Especially on the wine glasses, because you know you didn't write "Amy" on that sucker when you were sober.
And while we're on the subject, who the heck wants to drink wine while having to worry that their name will wipe off and then Jeff will drink their wine accidentally when they're not looking? Not Amy, that's for sure. To be fair, chalkboard paint varies in its ability to hold chalk. Sometimes it wipes right off, and yet other times it stays there. Forever. BUT THIS NEGATES THE TEMPORARY NATURE OF THE PROJECT IN THE FIRST PLACE.If the chalk was just going to stick for eternity to the surface of the crockpot, why not just give up the ghost and write "Hawaiian Meatballs" on the outside in sharpie? SAME EFFECT.
Oh, and let's not forget the fact that the act of writing on a chalkboard is nausea-inducing. You know the expression "like nails on a chalkboard?" I think it should probably have been "like chalk on a chalkboard." And who wants to spend the next four hours trying to overcome a bout of nausea, just so they can write a cutesy quote on an old globe? That's a sort of dedication I just don't have.
Now that I've taken your dreams behind the woodshed and shot them, allow me a moment of generosity. You can make SOME things into chalkboards. Preferably flat surfaces that can be used as...chalkboards. I get the idea of chalkboard walls for kids to draw on. I understand chalkboards on cabinets for lists. Heck, I have two rolls of chalkboard vinyl just sitting upstairs waiting to be used for that purpose. I should also tell you that I recently revamped a mirror into a chalkboard. It's delightful. And I freely admit my own hypocrisy. But what you will not find in my house is a person who feels the need to craft the shit out of everything I own.
Yes, I spray paint stuff. Yes I've been known to tear an odd pallet apart for a project. But this chalkboard obsession seems to indicate to me a sort of desperation. It's a special brand of anxiety specific to sites like Pinterest. There's this idea that if we have just ONE more cutesy detail in our house, just ONE more adorable little craft project that's just a LITTLE more clever than the ones our friends have, that we have somehow won at the Nesting Game.
I'm here to tell you to chill the f*** out. You will NEVER beat the Martha Stewarts of the world at their own game. That's like challenging Bo Pelini to a yelling contest (sorry, that's a Nebraska joke). You will not, no matter how hard you try, remember to assemble homemade gifts for your neighbors at Christmastime. Your attempts at homemade soap making will look like sagging bricks of despair. And the flowers will always refuse to grow on the shady side of your house.
But fear not, brave soldier. You are loved beyond any words you may find in any "inspirational quotes" pinboard. Even though you suck at making homemade macarons, and even though the last time you tried to make a melted crayon painting you set the carpet on fire. Your next door neighbor might look down her nose at the fact there are dust bunnies in LITERALLY EVERY CORNER OF YOUR HOUSE, but you know what? She's probably just nauseous from that chalkboard she was writing on all morning, and everyone is crabby when they feel like they're going to vom. Just smile at her and remind yourself that the race you are running is one you created for yourself. You can stop any time, and no one (important) will think any less of you. Honestly, if I walk into your house to find a mess, I'll probably just be relieved that I'm not the only one. You and I are kindred spirits. I mean, I'm basically talking to myself here.
It's okay.
You're going to be fine.
Do the things you love because you love them. They'll be good enough. You'll be good enough.
But please, for the love of all things holy, STOP with the chalkboard projects.
